Lonely

Almost a month we live separately in a distance. Not really a distance, still in Indonesia. But the feeling is completely uncomfortable for me. Someone said that this type of long distance marriage was vulnarable ouuuchhh...perhaps by then I felt the common feeling like : in blue. lonely. powerless.
My husband has been working in Central Kalimantan since July 2009. At the first time, it was no big deal for me, as long as my son with me :) but then I realized this choice takes risks. Rising a kid alone is not good at all. We lost so many fun time together. My son has a time gap of losing his man profile. What he has are a mom and his nanny. No man's world. Sad...I'm so sad.
But I have to hang on. Because this has been our decission. We both must work for our future. For our children's future, their education will cost a lot. Sometimes hard to encourage myself to realize that. All I want is he is here. But life is about challenging times. Maybe it's twice harder but I believe that God is empowering me, my husband and my son. I am sure many couples have the same challenge like ours. Living in long distance marriage.
God help us.

The Moments

Dear blog reader,

Thanks for visiting my veranda. How are you doing? I hope you're ll fine and enjoy most of your working time. It's been very long time not to greet you all. I think I'm kinda lazy to type my updates. So many happened, and so many went by without any documents. I regret it, but anyway...here I am. Ready to share with you.

Well...first of all of course I need to tell you about my son. The last time I shared he was just 6 months and cute! Now, he would be 14 months by the end of this month. I see him growing like a tree. We never realized whenever the flower is blossoming, but it's true, it blossoms! He runs and walk anywhere he wants, sure by holding his mom or dad's hand, coz he's still affraid to walk and run on his own. His hair is much like his dad's but his eyes truly is mine! He is now fond of talking much unknown words. Trying to record some of my words, and retell them to us. So funny. Time is fast seeing him grow. My son is my story.

But, I have to admit that there was big loss I experienced recently. Yes, I lost my grandma. Not precisely lost, coz I believe she is somewhere now. She passed away exactly one day before his 73 birthday. Not a coinsidence I think. She has prepared that well. God and her. Nobody else knows but them both. I lost once more another super women with her extraordinary passions. Her strengths reminds me of my mom who was 10 years ago has already passed away. Until their limit of their strength, they surrendered completely without a fight. Just calm and rest. That's all I know.

Thank you so much grandma. I can't tell you how much I lost you but truly, you are in my blood, in my son's blood. Forever....

This has been a year of having moments of receiving andweaving goodbye the ones I love. I received a baby from Heaven, I also weaving goodbye for grandma back to Heaven.

I thanked God for the moments. Reminds me of keeping this journey close to Him. For He is the source of every moments happen in my life. Thank you...

Beginner Level

Hi..hi...here I come again. It's been 7 months since the last time I wrote this lovely veranda. Don't know why I just feel confused to arrange thousands of words that swinging around my head. The last time I wrote was the time when I gave a birth my baby boy (finally..). It was a big honor for me to feel that 'pain', it was so worth it. I will never forget about that. Yes, my son Valereo Satrianda Tumon, a red skinned baby boy born from my womb. So weak and cute...now he's 6 months, everything is much much different. He is growing fast, stronger, no more red skinned but cuter. Me? I'm a new born mother, learning to adapt with the new level of life. I'm still a beginner. Sometimes world is so hectic, I must do many things at a time. Wake up late is no longer exist, now the dark hole under my eyes is getting darker, yup less sleep. But once again, it's all worth it. I love this new level of live, I love to be a new beginner. Me and my son, we are both in beginner level. He is learning to survive. I'm learning to serve.

Ow...almost forget, Valentino Rossi (whose part of his name taken to my baby boy's name Valereo) becomes GP World Champion again!!!

Thanked be to God Almighty...my very best Friend ever.

Nervous Wacthing Rossi

This morning I found myself flack again. I though this is the day I had to deliver my son. But I wait until the time I type this article, he is not yet to come out. Just the symptoms shows that I must be ready any time for tonight or tomorrow. Who knows?
Well, tonight too, our racer Valentino Rossi is racing in motoGP Jerez, Spain. Actually I really wanted to watch him but I don’t know I was too worry that he would fell down or something bad happen to him, so I decided to get out and take a deep fresh air outside, besides every time I feel so nervous, my stomach has contraction so only my husband still watched him. I know that Stoner is in the last position because he almost fell down in the gravel when Rossi is now at the second place after Pedrosa. But I just worried that something bad will happen to Rossi, might fell down or something.
I prayed that tonight Rossi’s star will re-arise. I think I am not the one who loves competition so much, if I am the true fans of a famous racer, I should’ve seen his racing all the way until it’s finished! I don’t know why I mostly love to see the ending and hope that my idol wins. I don’t like to see the process how he wins, isn’t that funny? Every time I watched racing, my heart is beating so fast. Always worries.
I started loving racing competition since the first three semesters of my pregnancy. It seemed that my baby loves it. But for me myself, racing is something that really shows us how a competition should run in fair. The integrity of a racer could be seen from his sportive act when he loses and respect others when he wins.
For Rossi tonight, go Rossi go-go-go…you can win again! God bless you.

Poison TV

It is shocking! Television is now become poison! (I mean TV station in my country). That is true. According to my experience during my last one month staying at home for preparing my delivery time, I get nothing but poison from this living little box. Started from early morning, the news mostly is the yesterday ones, so the news is just repetition from yesterday. And then followed with infotainment or gossiping time, I can see a horrible world. We call them here “celebs” although we never sure whether this definition is right or not, this magic box mostly presents all the bad side of their life. Look, for example we can see them fighting each other, after married for some times, they get divorced with the classical reason “no more fit one to another” then some of them make a peace divorce without arguing of fighting but mostly they break up with the very dramatic or if I can say “too much over” sad ending. They often then tell the bad side of his/her ex husband/wife. Even they talk about the marital heritance. We can also see celebs get caught because of drugs. Not enough, recently we are ‘entertained’ by many news about some celebrities nude photos or actions in the web, some of them admitted that it is them but the rest didn’t admit it even though the public knows how they acts daily never show good and clean attitude. The celebrities mostly just want their star above all the time so they made some sensational ideas.
Not enough, we can stay tune to see soap opera oh no this name is just too good for it, let’s call it cinema electronics which presents tears, anger, hatred with so many angles taken, from below, above, left-right side to see the dramatically situation. The story is not important, the production house even use dubbing for this kind of living action (it’s not cartoon). Dumb!
The TV shows for kids are not many. Even worse, there is one private TV that showed kids singing competition but mostly kids sing ‘adult’ songs and the TV presented boy band with adult songs too. The rating is now becoming ‘king’ so many TV station don’t take responsibility of the content of their menu. As long as the rate shows high, they keep the show go on. They don’t have empathy any more. Just so confusing how TV now becomes poison for the audience. We only find, fight, hatred, fake, what else….something unnatural and kind of boring. So, if I can choose I better have an MP3 or ipod and newspaper in my hand everyday than watching TV. There is no benefit from TV now. Except Oprah Winfrey Show although it’s imported from abroad and one more, Kick Andy –one of few high quality product of Indonesia private TV station ever.

My Pregnancy Calendar (Part 2)

September 2007

For the last three months, I didn't get bad morning sickness like commonly women do. I ate anything; I didn't want to eat something urgently. Everything seemed so good and fine for me. I was away from my husband because we work in different city, but it was okay for us. So, whenever we are far away, I told my child inside, be tough and help Mama to work well. Whatever he/she wants, I tried to fulfil it. My child looked so nice, never asked for too much. I thanked God for this blessing. Every morning I woke up, I felt so happy because somebody also woke up with me. That was super!
Although I didn't have any problems with the first three semester of my pregnancy, especially about morning sickness but it didn't mean that I didn't have other new things for a Mom to be. Something that really shocked me was I suddenly became fan of Valentino Rossi. Everybody knows he is a motoGP racer; he was a world champion for many times! I rarely watched the GP race unless my husband turns on the TV channel on it. Well, actually my husband was the fan of him since a long time ago, I never know this man though. But I didn't know why I suddenly 'fell in love' with this 29 years old racer! I always wanted to see his action in the GP race, although he lost many times, it changed nothing. I 'keep in love' with him, with his charisma and the way he always tried to be number one. He showed spirit and never give up. Seeing this, my husband laughed! He said, yes the child is my child, so he loves what I love too. Hmmm....
In my first three semester, I always curious why my belly had not growing bigger? It was still flat as it used to be. Every time I grab it, felt that somebody was growing in it, but I wondered when my belly was getting bigger? One day I found it out. My stomach was a little higher than usually. I still could wear my jeans anywhere and my shirts were mostly still fit. It was fun people saw me like nothing happened with me.

October 2007

This was still a safe time for me to bring him fly with me. We had to go to a place which is one hour away by air. The doctor permitted me so here we were. Flying in the air to my grandma's home. My baby was fine, although some small turbulence happened above. I think that was his first experience of flying.

November 2008

Nothing specisific happened. Everything went smoothly.

December 2008

Our first Chrismast Eve with the baby inside my womb. It was simple Christmas Eve, we also celebrated New Year eve together (three of us) at home. The baby is the most valuable present we have ever had from God.

January 2008

In this month, I started joining an exercise for pregnant women. The hospital where I usually check up my pregnancy offered the some sessions. It was fun to meet other women in pretty big belly like me. We could share each other. I enjoy this meeting although we sometimes found the new face every meeting since one by one every mother had their turn to have a birth. It was pretty touchy though.

For the second time, I must bring my baby fly to Bali for job reason. It was fun the baby began to enjoy flying.

February 2008

This is the time when my husband and I spent a lot of fun to have baby's clothing shopping. We went to baby's grocery store to but some clothes and funny other little things for him. I was so fun! After shopping, we usually laughed to know how much we've spent, but never mind, this is for our first son to be! We didn't want to count anything for our kids. As long as we can be wise spending our money for him. We thought that three months after he was born, he might need different size of clothing, so we keep our money safe to buy the next different size for him. Oyeah, we call him Eyo, since after having USG, the doctor once again informed that the baby was a boy. Before knowing it, we called our baby, Eya or Eyo. One more funny thing was that we planned to put the name of Valentino in his name. But we think that Valentine's Day has passed so long. We pick this name since my husband and I are fans of Valentino Rossi, the GP racer. So perhaps we will just pick some elements of his name not all. Let see hehe...

March 2008

This is true! Everytime my baby is kicking! He kicks the left and right side of my stomach. I can't sleep like a baby now. But it is so fun to feel the kicks! I worry if he doesn't kick instead. So I wake him up anytime he is silent. Kick Mommy honey.This is the month of long waiting. Seemed for me that way. I had taken my three months off my job. But now it had been about a month spent and my baby had not come out yet. Be patient...the doctor predicted he will be born on early of April. We can't wait to see him, grab him and hug him. Our little angel from God. We'll inform you later....thank you!

My Pregnancy Calendar (Part 1)

July 2007
It had been about two weeks, a week after my wedding day and just a week after my honeymoon; suddenly my emotion changes a lot. I was easily got mad to my husband without any reason. I was easily felt abandoned, I felt like I need more attention from my husband and I was easily felt jealous. I made my husband confused and we often had a fight due to this confusing situation.
I found myself still fully loaded with unstable emotional situation. Everything seemed to be wrong for me and my husband as a closest side became 'victim' of my anger. I didn't know why that happened to me. But inside my heart I begin to suspect 'something wrong' inside of me, but I let it flow. I just didn't want to make high expectation for anything; it was just too fast I think.
In this 3rd week of July, I became more curious since I didn't get my menstruation which is usually due every end of month. I just waited and once again let it flow, didn't expect for too much. But the unstable emotional changes still happened, I felt so tired with that.
Finally what I had been waiting for happened. I got my menstruation period, but there was something weird because it lasted for almost a week. It was strange for me since I usually got it for about 3-5 days only. It was also weird because it was not bloody at all, only a browned colour flack in my pants. I was curious because it never happened before. I also felt that my breast was hurt and hard like a stone every time I touched.

August 2007

In this time, I tried not to be stubborn, I bought some test packs to test whether or not I was pregnant, according to the initial symptoms I felt. It was shocking! Yes! I was positive. But still I couldn't believe that fast. I didn't tell my husband, I keep it in my heart since I was still curious about the flack that was looked like menstruation I got. It was confusing for me. Was it true I was pregnant or the test pack was wrong?
Again, I tried to use a test pack. This time I kept in mind, this was the last trial. And again the result was positive. I told my husband about this and also about my one week last bleeding. I ask my auntie what it was and she suggested us to check it up to the doctor since according to her experience, these symptoms sometimes indicated an early abortion of the fetus. That was right; the doctor said that I got bleeding which could harm my baby if I was late checking it to the doctor. Suddenly I felt so sad, I didn't want to lose the baby, so according to the doctor's suggestion, and I must have a one week full bed rest.
After knowing that I was pregnant and had a bed rest, suddenly all the unstable emotional changes I felt recently was gone! I felt so happy but also worried of losing my baby. My husband supported me a lot, he was also happy to hear the good news. He was always beside me to serve anything I wanted. He also took me to the doctor to check up. We were gladly informed this good news to our parents, families and our workmates. They showed happy reaction too and told us to take good care of our baby. The world was so bright for us. We were going to be Mom and Dad!
Now, situation became more normal again. I was back to work so did my husband. There were no worries anymore; we let God take care of everything including our baby. The baby was fine; I consumed vitamins from the doctor and have him checked once every month. A special feeling loaded my heart. I was not alone anymore. There was my child with me, so I must be careful with what I did and what I ate. I didn't want to neglect my child. (to be continued)